Archived "Ask the Coach" newsletters for
single women
RECEIVING IS A GIFT TO HIM
Dear Karen,
There is one aspect of dating that I find
really crazy-making: who pays when the check comes? What should I be doing? -
Ann
Dear Ann,
A fantastic question – I know this comes
up for women all the time. And although I generally suggest women allow men to
pay for dates, the truth is that the answer depends on who you are, and what you
want.
KNOWING WHAT YOU WANT
The process of dating (unless you’re just dating to have fun and keep things
casual) is to learn what you want – and don’t want – and to learn enough about a
man to decide whether or not he’s a good candidate for a relationship. Makes
sense, right? So, to date successfully, you need to know what type of
relationship is right for you.
For instance: if your heart’s desire is
to marry and have a family, and you want your man to support you while you’re
home with the kids, letting him pay for the check is a good way to see whether
or not he’s inclined to be the provider.
If you jump to pay the check, he could
assume one of a few things: 1) you have no interest in him, 2) you’re not
interested in a man as a provider, or 3) he may believe you’re a woman he can’t
give to (and remember, men like to please and give to women, generally
speaking).
On the other hand, the right relationship
for you may be more about having a man’s emotional and spiritual support, and
willingness to take care of the home front, as you go after a big career or
successful business. There are relationships where this works beautifully, as
long as the initial connection is based on the truth of who you are, and what
you want, rather than presenting what either of you “should” be, according to
someone else’s “standards”. So by all means, in this situation, pick up the
check if you want to or are financially better equipped (and is aligned with the
kind of relationship you want).
FIRST
IMPRESSIONS LAST
For many women, however, initially
paying for things (vs. sharing more in the financial load once in a
relationship), or taking care of a man too
much (where there ends up being an imbalance and you give more than
he does), or not ever needing anything from him is not rooted so much in being
authentically connected to a deep self, as in being afraid to show vulnerability
or in feeling somehow unworthy. So, the first impressions (they are KEY, and
they don’t happen a 2nd time) are going to determine where the
relationship goes from there. Think about this: if you’re looking for a
provider, but his first impression of you is that you don’t need anything, one
of these two scenarios is likely:
1)
He’s looking for a woman he can give to - a woman
that’s aligned with his desire for a more old-fashioned family lifestyle. Based
on how you present yourself, he may decide there’s no fit and move on.
2)
He’s looking for a woman that won’t ask for
anything much FROM him, and in fact may be willing to give TO him. Based on how
you present yourself, he may decide there’s a great fit, and pursue you.
Knowing who you are, and what you want,
and having integrity (here’s a definition of integrity I love: having your
words, thoughts and actions be consistent), will serve you really well in the
dating world. No one wants their time wasted - or disrespected – and having
initial connections based on authentic selves is an important step in dating
effectively.
That brings me to another point: if you
know you’re not remotely interested in seeing a man again, you may want to
consider offering to split the check with your date (note: if he declines the
offer, don’t push it). After all, unless a man is rolling in dough, being out
there dating and being expected to pay every time is a real financial strain.
As an added bonus, offering to pay your share may do a little bit to negate
many men’s belief that all women want is a paycheck, rather than the man
paying.
IT
MAKES HIM FEEL GOOD TO GIVE
Now, there are many women that have a hard time with receiving, which is
different than what you’d be doing by paying your way if you aren’t interested
in a man. Men really do love to give to women, as a general rule. They love to
feel our pleasure, our appreciation, and our happiness. They love to be
responsible for causing us to feel that way. If you cannot receive, you are
denying a man the delight he feels when he can give. Think of it this way: the
world is changing rapidly, and there are fewer and fewer things that a man can
do nowadays that a woman can’t do for herself at least as well as he can, if not
better. Whenever we give them a chance to do something for us, it affirms their
ability to take care of us, which makes them feel useful. And feeling useful is
very important to men. So, if you can’t receive for yourself, do it for the man
you’re with!
IN
CONCLUSION
There is no fixed answer to the question about who pays on a date. The
important things to know are who you are, and what kind of relationship is going
to be right for you. Then, act in ways that are in alignment with those. In
the meantime, keep in mind that generally speaking, men want to give to women,
so be a woman that can be given to. It makes them happy to make us happy.
OUT WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE NEW
Dear Karen,
I’m
friends with my old boyfriend. We get together every few weeks and go out for
drinks or dinner, and we talk about everything...and I really enjoy our time
together. I am not seeing anyone new right now. I try to avoid any dating talk
with him. What’s going on? Am I still in love with my ex, and I just won’t
admit it, or what? ~ Terry
Dear Terry,
It’s hard to tell from your question what the
circumstances were behind the breakup, but I’m going to guess that he initiated
it. Much of the advice will apply, regardless of which one of you ended things.
DATING YOUR EX
Let me start with the strongest (and hardest) advice I have for you: STOP
“going out” with your ex-boyfriend. So many women spend time with men they
dated (and loved), thinking it’s a fine thing to do. Maybe they believe it says
something good about them, that they can be “big enough” to move beyond the
dating relationship and into friendship. Maybe they are harboring a hope that
through being such a fun, understanding and easygoing woman, he’s going to
suddenly wake up and pledge his undying love over nachos and beer. Forget it. I
think you’re causing yourself some harm, and let me tell you how.
YOU’RE NOT THAT TOUGH
While you’re sitting across the dinner table from him, laughing at the stories
about his latest antics, and sharing all your ups and downs in your life, your
precious, vulnerable heart is aching to have him love you again (or at the very
least, apologize for hurting you). That tender part of you is trying to recover
from the pain of losing a love that was supposed to heal old hurts and help you
have a life of happiness. So, while you hang out with him, watching him ogle
women (trying to be brave and strong and above it all), there’s a part of you
that is gathering more evidence that you can’t really ever have what you want.
I’m guessing what that is, is to be loved and accepted unconditionally for
exactly who you are. So hanging out with a man that didn’t want you is no
soothing balm for your wounded self.
There’s another important reason to stop “dating”
your ex. And that is, how it’s impacting your ability to attract the RIGHT man.
THE SPACE IS NOT AVAILABLE
Imagine that you have, in your heart, a space that is reserved for your intimate
relationship. Picture a really warm and inviting place – cozy, really. In this
space there is a very comfy chair, reserved just for your man. The problem is
your ex has his buns parked in this space. And a man that is ready and
AVAILABLE for a committed relationship is NOT going to be attracted to space
that is occupied by another man. He is going to be attracted to space that is
vacant and ready to be moved in to.
You need to let go of something that doesn’t work,
so that you can be open to something that will.
CHANGING THE PATTERN
If you’re like many women, one of your fears (whether you voice it or just think
it) is that he may be as good as it’s going to get, and if you stop spending
time with him, you will never be with another man again. You don’t want to
build any relationship from that basis anyway, so you are better off ending
things with your ex – for good – and working on having the space available for
the right one. That often means taking care of whatever issues created being
with an “almost-but-not-quite-it” man to begin with. If there is something
going on with you that causes you to be unavailable for a relationship you
really want, the issue will present itself again, and you will end up in the
same type of relationship, but with a different man.
Terry, I may be all wrong about your particular
situation, but I’ve seen it so often with women in my business that I thought it
was a great question to use to get this message out to women everywhere. So
thanks for asking it, even if this doesn’t resonate for you in the least.
IN CONCLUSION
You deserve to be with a man that wants you, loves you, accepts you and can be
with you. Spending time with a man that didn’t fit that description and ended
your dating relationship does more harm than good. Be more aware of and take
care of your tender heart, and you’ll attract a man that will do the same.
